\\FEAR

Fear is a terrible thing. It keeps us from so much. Sometimes I think fear is the only thing keeping me from getting what I want. Like in relationships. Fear of rejection, fear of commitment, fear of screwing up. I keep everyone at an arms length because I fear. I fear being alone, being hurt, being held accountable for my actions affecting someone else. I do not mean to push people away, but I do. And because I do, I feel as if I have no right to let people get close to me because I will, at some point, push them away. When I think about every reason I have to be afraid of what people are capable of, what they can do, how they can hurt me, I feel there is no other option than to keep my guard up. Because isn't it right to protect myself? Shouldn't I keep my heart in tact, instead of allowing people to rip it to shreds? I wonder so many times if I am keeping myself from something great because I fear. I fear that which I cannot control. Therefore I keep control by keeping my guard up. I know, deep down inside my heart, that I will have to trust. If I live my whole life expecting that I will never trust anyone again, I will live my whole life never trusting anyone again. It is a setup to failure. and I will have no one to blame but myself.

A lot of the time I think that we moderate our relationships using filters. I have so many of these. I name them after the person or situation responsible for the filter. I have a filter, we will call it the "todd filter", and this filter is the one that causes me to believe people always leave. And because I always have this filter, when someone tells me they are here for the long haul, I always doubt them, I have actually been known to push people away to see how easily they will leave once things aren't perfect. Sadly, a lot of the time, they do leave... And it only creates another filter or causes a current one to become stronger. It's a vicious cycle and over the years I developed a lot of them. Part of getting over fear is letting go the need to have it mandate your relationships. If you judge people on your past and the people who have hurt you, you will always find a way to push away. It's hard to let go of all the things I've built up over the years, letting the scars heal and bruises fade is easier said than done.

Trust is the result of a risk that survives. The hard part is taking the risk and not letting fear stop me. All of life's tests and trials, and my own mistakes, are only valuable if you learn something. I suppose that's the point, to let go of fear and be brave, and see the value in it. Our lives are our own to do with what we will. Good or bad we take it all and we make what we can with it. Fear is the only thing stopping us, and fear is only as powerful as we allow it to be.